My New Collar
I got a new collar today. So excited-so excited-so fucking excited. I celebrated first by catching a fly with my mouth then I fucking fell asleep.
Then I ate my bed. Because I was fucking bored.
I think I did pretty good on the first pass. Though all of it was pointless because my favorite human wasn’t home. I’m a dog.
While my favorite human is away, I sit down at his computer and write about stuff. I fucking need a bath. My name’s Kal. I’m a wonder dog.
Back to the collar, my human bought it for me. With this recession and him losing most of his clients, not to mention the fact that he doesn’t stay out for more than three hours at a time so I know something is up. A while back he would disappear forever but then, out of the blue, show up. It feels different now. After all that he still managed to go to Petco and get me this new red collar.
That’s why I fucking love him. And I love my new fucking collar. I also love sticking my head out the car window if anyone is looking for early Christmas presents.
My human would say he doesn’t love where he’s at in his life at the moment, but at least I know he loves me cause he rubs my belly when I roll over on his bed. And to that, I would argue that his life is pretty good considering the alternatives. One time I ate a block of cheese and crackers that were suppose to be for guests during Thanksgiving.
I just wanted to start by introducing myself. I thought of this the other night; if I could maybe get on the human’s computer once a week when he was gone, I could prove that there is a lot of shit out there worth taking a piss on. My human fancies himself a writer too so maybe he’ll send my stuff to his manager.
I’ve been with my human for a while now. Through some rough patches, some confusing patches, and some happy patches – all leading me to believe that he did, in fact, hang the moon.
I met him five years ago, May 18th, 2007 to be exact. That’s when he picked me up from this other human’s house. This particular human in question took me from my mother, who I think was named Baily if memory serves, and then advertised me in the paper. Not long after that, a blond haired female looked me over and held me. All the while speaking this strange language filled with words like Bubby and Scoobers. The voice was very high and seemed to have a layer of condescension to it. But still, the blond girl pet me real good. When she left I was quite certain she would never-ever come back because there was a squirrel and I thought it went to that tree across the street.
But my favorite human, him, showed up in May… May 18th to be exact, his birthday, so I never did get that fucking bastard squirrel. But that was okay because I soon found myself in the arms of him. On his birthday night, he stayed with me on the couch, his hand resting on my head as I snuggled in a cardboard box. I’ve been with him ever since.
People said I was cute. I shit the floor a lot.
Through his marriage, the end of his marriage, the moving from place to place, the times he smiled again, the times he brought over other females that smelled of coffee, others of the ocean, to us finally settling in to a nice big place that smelled like a bbq at half time, I’ve been with him all the fucking way. And because I’ve gotten bored in my old age, 35 years, (still haven’t found that fucking squirrel), I wanted to share with you this brief back-story as to how I came to be and why I haven’t caught that fuck-face of a squirrel.
I’m Kal, the wonder dog. I will now open up the floor for questions. I don’t have any balls.
Signed,
Kal